Pain

Yesterday was a very difficult day for me.  I found myself having to make a decision that was very painful, but realized that there was no other option in the scenario I faced.  Because of this decision, I'm experiencing somewhat of a loss, so in many ways I feel as if I'm mourning.  Throughout the day, I made my way from distraction to distraction in order to try and alleviate the pain I was experiencing, but nothing seemed to fill the void that had been created.  The pain has been deep.  The pain has been real.  And it appears that for now, the pain cannot be avoided.

Pain is one of the byproducts of decisions we make.  Right or wrong, most of us make decisions that eventually shake us from peaceful apathy, and create a series of events that cause pain in our lives, as well as others. When the full force of the pain is overpowering us, sapping our strength, making us ill and sometimes rocking the very foundations of our lives, we seek relieve in any form it can be found.  Some of us find consolation in prayer, some in exercise, some in talking with friends, some find the edge taken off by alcohol, drugs or other forms of self-medicating.  But one area that I have found peace in is music.  I have very little musical talent, but have always been consumed by the music of others that have the gift of touching the heart, stirring the soul and calming the storms that rage within me from pain.

Since yesterday, I've found comfort in many artists that I've found healing in over the years.  One in particular caused a profound effect on me.  It caused me to close my eyes, drift away from the pain I felt, if only for a moment, and imagine a world that did not exists at the time.  I found solace in not only the words of the song, but also in the haunting melody that seemed to lift me from the pit I was in.

It's no surprise to many of you that know me, but I'm a pretty emotional person.  Most of the time it's a blessing, but from time to time, like today, it can be a burden and a curse that weighs me down and causes me to question why God made me the way I am.  I guess that's why I relate so much to the life of King David.  Reading through each Psalm that David wrote, you can hear every human emotion in vivid description and eloquent poetry.  David was by no means afraid of expressing his emotions, regardless of how high the mountain top might have been, or how low the pits of despair may have found him.  David was an emotional man, and through that emotion came incredible creativity, imagination and strength.  One of those areas of creativity came in the form of music that he had been gifted with at a very young age.

In 1 Samuel 16, we read a story of a man named Saul, who was the first King of Israel.  Saul had been faithful to God but made a series of bad decisions that began to effect his mental state.  The Bible says that an evil spirit came over Saul, because God's Spirit had left him.  We can probably assume that Saul was consumed by overwhelming fear and depression.  We know nothing about what alleviated the pain that consumed Saul, except for one thing: Music.

1 Samuel 16:23 says, "Whenever the spirit from God came on Saul, David would take up his lyre and play. Then relief would come to Saul; he would feel better, and the evil spirit would leave him."  Think about these words for a moment.  Saul is struggling through the shear agony of depression, fear, panic, anger and frustration.  The choices of his life have overwhelmed him as he realizes that God has all but left him completely.  He's drowning in his sorrow and helplessly grasping for a life ring to save him.  And when the waves are about to crash over him one last time, he hears the sweets sounds of David's harp.  They call to him from above the surface of the ocean, he is captivated by the enchanting melody and is swept to place of peace.  A place of escape from his pain.  If just for a brief moment, the music from David's harp, soothes his anguishing soul and bring the relief he longs for.

You may not connect with music in the way I do, but chances are there is something that touches your soul in the same manner.  Whatever it might be, realize what David's harp is for you.  Who is a "David" in your life that can come beside you and easy the pain that can come from life's journey.  We live in a chaotic world, don't we?  To think we can escape pain is unrealistic at best.  My pain will soon dissipate.  I will rise above the waves that have crashed over me for the moment, and at least for the time being, David's harp sings melodically to me, as I close my eyes and rest, and let the peace envelop me, if even for one brief moment in time.  God has placed a healing refuge in my life and I thank Him.  I thank Him for the melodies that dull the sharp edges of pain.                               

A Circle of Trash

There are specific times in my life when analyze myself, take account of the ups and downs, put myself on figurative trial and I realize just how severely messed up I am.  I've realized that there are extended periods of time when I will coast through this life, thinking that I have it all together.  I peer into my my soul, look at my moral condition, and say to myself, "You  know.  I'm doing OK.  I've got a handle on this thing called life.  I've grown to where I want to be.  I'm not who I once was."  But just like that, in the flash of an instant, the house of cards falls, a cloud envelops me and the curtain is drawn back.  It's as if I briefly step outside of myself, look at the man next to me and I suddenly become aware of just how prone I am to falling into a pretty depraved state.

I know what you might be thinking.  This is going to be a blog about sin and the negative aspects of how it effects our lives, right?  Well, yes and no.  By definition, and according to Christian doctrine, sins are transgressions that go in opposition to our religious beliefs.  And most of the things that I'm referring to, are in fact sins.  Sin is not a very popular topic among modern Christian circles these days.  None of us like to view ourselves through the proverbial sin microscope because if we're honest with ourselves, it reveals our imperfections, faults and the corruption that lies just below the surface.  Personally, I see it most clearly when I become complacent and apathetic to what I allow myself to think, say and do.  Before long, thankfully for short periods of time, my life looks nothing like the image of Christ.  But this blog is really not about sin by definition, when you get right down to it.  It's more about sin on a philosophical level.  Let me explain.

By nature, most of us are selfish people, right?  When it comes to our own happiness, peace and general well-being of life, we usually consider ourselves first, if even for only a brief moment.  We live in a culture that enables this kind of thought on a regular basis.  Most things we hear, read and see direct us to the self and what will give us the most pleasure, usually at the expense of someone else.  We are constantly slammed with advertising each and every day that convicts us to look within and screams, "It's about YOU!"  Before we know it, we develop a construct of living that places us at the center, leaving everyone else endlessly circling around us and demanding the focus to be put on them.  The problem is that the circle gets eventually gets cluttered with trash.

The self-constructed cocoon of individuality is not so appealing when it's polluted and starts to stink.  Our apathy toward others and even God might produce a temporary high of self sufficiency, but eventually we come down and have to go through an emotional detox.  And usually when this happens, we realize that we never wanted to be at the center in the first place.  Yes, being at the center puts the focus on us, but that's the problem, isn't it?  The self puts us on stage, and while we enjoy the cheers of the crowd for a while, the spotlight reveals more than the makeup can conceal.  

Diogenes Allen once said it like this: "We remain captives within a mental framework that has actually been broken. We are like prisoners who could walk out of prison because all that would enclose us has been burst open, but we remain inside because we are asleep."  You see, the circle has no walls.  It's just a facade we painted on the ground.  We can step over it whenever we like, but we remain, knee deep in the rubbish that we've created.  Freedom lies on the outside, in communion with others.  But we chose the self.  We chose what the self wants, rather than the best God offers us.  We chose bondage over freedom.
    
The Apostle Paul said, "For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.  Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."  In essence, Paul is saying that he found it easier to remain in the circle of trash.  He clearly knew the freedom that existed on the outside, but sometimes it was more appealing to lay among the piles of trash he created.  He saw the fields before him; clean and open.  He saw the multitudes calling his name, to run freely along his side.  But there were times when he could not escape the mental prison he sentences himself to.         
I admit that I've been in the circle.  I've been not only living in the trash, but somehow enjoying it.  I can see the freedom on the outside.  In fact, I've been there very recently.  I can see others that are running freely just outside the circle walls.  I hear them calling to me and questioning why I remain.  But for now, the circle of trash keeps me enclosed.  Like Paul, I know what's right.  I know what's best.  I know what God has called me to do in this life, and the circle is the last place He wants me to remain.  But, I see you on the outside of the circle.  I can hear you calling to me.  Trust me; I'm listening.              

Here

In Eugene Peterson's The Message, he paraphrases Ecclesiastes 3:13 like this:
'There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth: A right time for birth and another for death, A right time to plant and another to reap, A right time to kill and another to heal, A right time to destroy and another to construct, A right time to cry and another to laugh, A right time to lament and another to cheer, A right time to make love and another to abstain, A right time to embrace and another to part, A right time to search and another to count your losses, A right time to hold on and another to let go, A right time to rip out and another to mend, A right time to shut up and another to speak up, A right time to love and another to hate, A right time to wage war and another to make peace. But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does? I've had a good look at what God has given us to do—busywork, mostly. True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time—but he's left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he's coming or going. I've decided that there's nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. That's it—eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It's God's gift."

I read these words in a new way this morning. I've been sitting in the library, trying to continue writing my book, which I began this Summer. It's not as easy as I thought it was going to be. At times, it can be isolating. Sometimes it's difficult to focus. Sometimes I feel compelled to delete every file that I've collected so far and start over. Sometimes, I wonder why I'm doing this at all. I wonder if I'll ever finish. I wonder if this is wasted time. I wonder if anyone will read it. But the words in this passage of scripture spoke to me this morning and gave me the comfort and perspective that I needed. I have no idea who's reading this, and those of you that are, I know nothing about your journey in life, and the specific paths you've taken. But you're human, and chances are, you've struggled with the same thoughts that overwhelm me this morning. I pray that it opens a door of hope with you as well.

Basically, my thoughts are pretty simple. I don't have a deep theological dissertation or a new idea of what God is trying to communicate. What rang true with me in these words is that God knows exactly what He's doing, each and every second of our lives. Regardless of the paths we decide to take in life, each one is the path that is ordained for us to walk down. Culture might classify your choices as "right" or "wrong", but what does that really mean when we are in perfect union with God? I firmly believe that if we remain connected to God in prayer and meditation, each and every life choice that we make is guided by Him through His Spirit and therefore cannot be narrowed down to a category of "right" or "wrong". My Dad often said that if we remain responsible in our decisions and pray about each choice, there are no "bad" choices. A specific decision may not be exactly what God had intended, but he still uses that choice for good and to advance His Kingdom.

Many of you know that I had a bad experience with the last church staff on which I served. I spent most of the Summer being angry with those that hurt me, and with God as well. I demanded God provide a reason for what happened, and begged Him for me to be vindicated. I questioned my decision to join this church, and questioned if God had even called me there in the first place. But just as I reached the pinnacle of confusion and frustration, God revealed to me that everything happened exactly as He had intended it. There was a "reason" for what happened, and I didn't need to know what it was. And I have found a peace with this realization.

So I sit here, in a dark corner of the library, banging on my laptop and knowing that there is a time to write and a time to serve on a church staff. There is a time to feel lonely, isolated and there is a time to enjoy company. There is a time for confusion and a time for clarity. There is a time for the wilderness and a time for shelter. There is a time for depression and a time for peace. A time for anger and a time for joy. There is a time to fall and a time to get up, but also a time to just lie there for a while. There is a time for each event in our lives that God sets into motion. And just like the seasons throughout a year, they often seem to be in complete conflict with each other. But they all work together in complete unity and reveal to us a simple truth: There is a time to trust God, and a time to....well...I guess that's it.

Construct

We are all born into a spiritual construct. My spiritual construct is different from your spiritual construct, and your spiritual construct is different from mine. A spiritual construct is basically the building blocks of spirituality that have been set in place since the day you were born. They consist of things you are aware of, and may consist of things that have been subliminal throughout most of your life. Your spiritual construct reveals your spiritual personality and determines how your spiritual life will flow.

I was born into the Roman Catholic faith, and although I now follow a Protestant theology, my spiritual life has been developed to a great extent by my Catholic upbringing. Spiritual elements like Christian icons, stained glass, candles, meditation and observing long periods of silence are a big part of how I delve into a deeper communion with God. Although Christ is the center of who I am, these are elements that are part of my spiritual construct.

For many years, I rejected anything that was in any way related to Catholicism. In my mind, I felt that anything connected to the rigid and religious structure of the liturgical church was only going to hinder my growth as a follower of Christ. I felt as if I had become "enlightened", whatever that means, and freed from the overly structured and methodical way of faith that I grew up with. But then I went to seminary, and came out feeling as if knew less that I did before, and I became "enlightened" to the fact that I was dead wrong!

What I began to realize is that Christianity is somewhat of a mosaic that makes up the Church as we see it today in 2010. Some of us grew up with the structure of the liturgy, and some of us grew up with the freedom of a congregational church setting. Some of us grew up with structure of conservative spiritual upbringing, while others grew up with the idealism of a more liberal faith. Either way, our spiritual construct was set by those early stages of faith. Right or wrong, good or bad, our spirituality has been developed by where we've been, and that's not a bad thing.

What I have learned through my journey of faith, is that each of us need to embrace our spiritual construct. The mold that has been cast is not necessarily one that needs to be broken and reconstructed. The early path we took in our spiritual development, does not mean we're going in the wrong direction. Construction does not always mean demolition. And If we're honest with ourselves, we can look back over our spiritual lives and see that the building blocks that have been set are elements that have brought us to the faith we have today.

In 2 Timothy 1:5, Paul alludes to Timothy's Spiritual Construct. "I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also. For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God," We have no idea of the details of Timothy's upbringing in the faith. We know nothing of the traditions or spiritual disciplines practiced in his household. But we do know that his Mother and grandmother were Jewish and his Father was Greek. He grew up in Lystra, which was located in modern day Turkey, and heavily steeped in Greek culture. Both of these backgrounds would have been part of his accepting the truths of Jesus Christ when the Apostle Paul first began spreading the gospel in that area. In fact, it's very significant that Paul found it important enough to mention that both Timothy's Mother and Grandmother had an influence in Timothy's strong faith. Both being Jewish, the faith of Israel would would have been a filter that he used in accepting the Christian faith.

Like Timothy, you might have parents or grandparents that influenced the development of your spiritual construct. You may have other family members or friends that have affected your growth, or there might be life events that have added building blocks to your faith. Still there may be some of you that see nothing in your life journey that has had any influence in where you are spiritually. But I encourage you to spend some time meditating on what your spiritual construct might look like. See if you can determine what factors have influenced it. Once you have, embrace those spiritual aspects. Ask God how you can utilize them in your walk of faith this week. Seek how they might become regular practices to draw closer to God, and enjoy your place in the mosaic of Christianity.

Trinity Meditation