Amen

While having coffee with a friend of mine last week, he shared with me a personal experience that he had while running and what the word "Amen" really means. As the repetitive nature of running is often conducive to simple thought, he began to ask what place the word actually has in our prayer and communion with God. We utter the word almost instinctively in conclusion of a prayer or use it when discussing something that we approve of. But how many of us have ever stopped to meditate on what the word really means? This got me thinking and my thoughts came to fruition this morning while listening to a conversation in Starbucks.

Two young men were having a discussion revolving around the recent execution of Edgar Tamayo in Huntsville last week. From the details, words and phrases of their conversation, I could tell that they were Christians. And I quickly came to the conclusion that they not only approved of the execution, but seemed to be somewhat joyful that this man was dead. As the conversation began to wind down and it was clear that their discussion was about to change gears, one man declared with finality, "Well, he's finally dead and that's one more illegal alien scum bag that we don't have to worry about anymore."  His friends response? "Amen!"

Amen. Think about that for a moment.  

The word has a Hebrew origin and basically means "so be it". It has developed in Christianity to express strong agreement and confirmation of the context of the prayer. With the declaration of "Amen", one is expressing that all that has been prayed for, asked for or uttered with thanksgiving, is being agreed with in the assumption that God approves, agrees and accepts your words as being in union with His perfect will. One could make the argument that from our perspective, prayer in it's purest form is uttering the words of God, assuming that His words would be the exact words that we offer to Him.

"Well, he's finally dead and that's one more illegal alien scum bag that we don't have to worry about anymore." 

"Amen!" 

My goal is not to debate the moral grounds of the death penalty or defend my personal beliefs. The argument can be theologically and Biblically defended from both sides of the issue. There are strong opinions from both perspectives and if approached from love and humility, I respect both views. But as with most issues within Christianity, my concerns rise more from the heart that guides a person to reach a certain perspective, rather than the complexities of the issue itself.

The conversation that I overheard this morning really had nothing to do with support or opposition of the death penalty. Obviously, these two men supported the capital punishment and I respect their freedom to hold that belief. What I don't support is the apparent hatred of this man and the celebration of his death, rather than isolating their emotions to his actions. What I don't support is the "amen" that God would somehow celebrate an execution, preceded by a pattern of death by a man who God loved as much as He does you and I.

We live in a dark world and a culture that sometimes seems to be consumed by death. We witness evil and the results that come from evil actions. Unfortunately, we do not always have complete control of what our eyes see and what our hearts ingest. We process what we experience, filter the information and emotions and decide how we will outwardly react. We can choose to allow our pain to cause us to react with anger and hatred, thus perpetuating the cycle of pain for others. Or we can choose to shut down the cycle, healing what has been broken and loving when it's hard.  Our emotions can lie, but they can never keep us from externally expressing truth. What would that look like? How would our culture change?

Can I get an amen?





     

Where Was Your Fucking God?

"Where was your fucking God when those kids were being shot up?" I was asked this question this week in reaction to the shooting in Connecticut. Behind the question was much anger. Behind the question was sadness. Behind the question was a lack of faith and frustration. Behind the question was a human being, hurting and feeling just like all of us. I can imagine that many pastors would dismiss a question like that. Many would receive this as a personal attack or an attack on Christianity. Some might be offended by the language and refuse to acknowledge the emotion. Some might become angry and launch a counterattack, spouting various scripture verses that give the typical "Christian" answer. I felt none of this. For in my friend’s pain, anger and helplessness, I felt the same things. So, I chose to "feel" with him. 

"I don't have an answer for you. The world is a fucked up place." was my response to him. I shared with him that my faith has been shaken. I shared with him that I was angry as well and asked God the exact same question. He didn't need a theological dissertation and didn't need me to regurgitate Bible verses that gave him no consolation. He didn't need me to get angry with him and he surely didn't need me to judge him. He didn't need me to ask him to watch his language and didn't need me to negate what he was feeling. Like any of us who witnessed the horrors of Sandy Hook Elementary on Friday, he was angry, sad, discouraged and experiencing doubt. His feelings were real. They are real life. 

In my heart, I know where God was last Friday. I know that He exists and why these things happen. I know all the verses that theologically make sense of these events and I have a good idea of how this world works in relation to God. In reality, I know that these kinds of things have happened in the past and will happen again and again. And I know that every time they do, we will feel the same emotions. My intention is not to give an answer for why bad things happen. We've all asked this question, and in reaction to the events in Connecticut, many people have written blogs and posted ideas of why this happened and what the solution is to avoiding tragedy like this in the future. My intention is that as a follower of Christ, I want to be more like Him. And in my reflections on who He was and who I think he is, I ask myself the cliche question, "What would Jesus do?" Since I am not Him and he is just as much a mystery to me as He is my God, I can't answer that completely. What I can say, with 100% assiduity assurance?, is what Jesus would not do, and have an idea of what He might do instead. 

Jesus would not allow the events in Connecticut to make Him angry with people and their reactions. Instead, He would weep with those who are weeping. Jesus would not shut down and retreat Himself from the world, but would surround Himself with others that felt pain as well. Jesus would not choose to contradict Himself and encourage more violence, but would repeat His call for us to love our enemies. Jesus would not choose to hate the gunman, but continue to hate evil as He encourages all of us to do. Jesus would not choose to point His finger at others in blame, but would ask us all to point the finger at ourselves. Jesus wouldn't react in fear, but would trust in His Father in heaven and encourage us to do the same. Jesus wouldn't arm Himself, and He wouldn't judge someone if they did and would understand their fear. He wouldn't criticize gun control advocates, but would encourage them to make their points known with love, not anger. He would not blame the problems of the world on a lack of prayer in school, but ask parents why they don't pray at home. Jesus wouldn't play politics, but would remind us promote His Kingdom, where politics will not exist. Jesus wouldn't ask where His Father is or why He has forsaken the world, but would respond as He did when He faced torture and death; "Thy will be done."  

"Where was your fucking God?"  He was in a first grade classroom at Sandy Hook Elementary, taking bullets from a semi-automatic gun while embracing scared little kids. He was also with the children in thousands of other schools protecting them. He was preparing parents for overwhelming pain and He was giving courage to first responders. He was also with parents that were thanking Him that their children were safe. He was watching in shock, as we all began to realize the magnitude of this tragedy and He was welcoming those that died into His Kingdom. And He was with those who had no idea what was happening. He was weeping on the streets of the inner-city where other children were being shot and He was in poverty stricken places of the world where children are starving to death. He was also with those enjoying a late breakfast or early lunch. He was with you and me. He was with our children as well. He was there. He is there. He will be there.                     

Advent Reflections: Day 14 - 12/15/2012

“But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.”
Titus 3:4-7 (NIV)

Reflection

A gift given in love, is a gift received in love. Nothing is more exciting than giving the perfect gift that has been selected with love as its motivation. When it’s received and opened, that love is realized by the one receiving the gift, and fulfilled in the gift giver. In a cyclical pattern of giving, gifts are a catalyst of the love that we have for one another. What better way of describing the birth of Jesus Christ into the world than a “gift” to mankind?

Jesus was the encapsulation of God’s kindness and love. The gift of salvation, lovingly given to us, not because of anything we did to deserve it, but because His love outweighed any possible prerequisite. As with the gifts that we give each other at Christmas time, God expected nothing in return. We had to pass no test, or earn the right to receive our gift. The gift of salvation and eternal life in Christ were given in love and nothing more. All we must do is complete the perfect cycle of giving and receive God’s gift in love.

This Christmas, as we search for that perfect gift, let us do so with the love of Christ as our motivator. Let us spend time with each carefully selected gift, reminding ourselves of God’s deep love for us. A love so deep that He sent His Son, who appeared in Jesus, born on Christmas day. 

Prayer

Lord, we come to You today, thanking You for the perfect gift in Your Son, Jesus Christ. May each and every gift that we give this Christmas, be given with the same love that you express to us, in us and through us. 

  Amen  

Change, God and Mama Dove

As I walked out of the house this morning, coffee and laptop in hand, the warm humid air hit my face, revealing that another South Texas Summer is quickly setting in.  As I wiped the almost instantaneous sweat from my brow, I glanced up at the large palm tree to the left.  As has become the routine lately, I anticipated my eyes meeting those of my new friend; "Mama Dove", as we've affectionately called her.  About two feet above eye level, resting in the nook of a couple of dead branches, are usually the small dark black eyes that cautiously watch my movements as I pass by.  There was more nervousness in her glances when we first discovered her, but as the days passed by, she soon relaxed, realizing that neither me nor my family were much of a threat.  There seemed to be a silent trust that had developed.  She seemed to know that we all knew what she was up to and appeared to be comfortable in her new temporary home.  I began to enjoy greeting her as I came and went.  "Hey, Mama Dove!  How are those babies doing?  When's the big day?"  Over the last couple of days, by her relaxed glances, it was almost as if she was sharing her experience with me.  I enjoyed having her around. 

But this morning, instead of seeing her welcoming face or tale feathers, depending on her position of choice, I saw only an empty nest.  I would have assumed that she was simply making a food run, but apparently nesting doves have a very specific routine, and those don't take place until evening, as the sun begins to set.  After setting down my coffee and backpack, I walked outside and into the garage to get my ladder, still expecting her to swoop down any second and assume her maternal post.  But as I set the ladder near the tree and made my way up toward the nest, I quickly realized that it was empty and the realization of what was going on set in.  She was gone and the eggs had hatched.  Nature had upheld it's end of the bargain and the anticipation of life finally came to fruition.  The wheels on the bus go round and round.  

There are literally thousands of birds born each and every day.  There should be no reason that I lament the absence of Mama Dove and the two eggs that she patiently and dutifully watched over for so long.  But as I picked up one of the shells that I found on the ground cover below, I felt a little sadness at the change that just occurred.  Something that I had come to depend on, look forward to and even enjoy, was removed from my life and I felt the subtle sting of "change".  And change can suck sometimes.  None of us really like it, but it happens none the less.  And this little window into nature revealed that change occurs in all aspects of life; even those that seem to have nothing to do with us.

Mama Dove's big change had become a small change for me.  The system of God's creation transpired in this little birds life and by chance, and blessing, I was able to be a part of it.  Nature has no time tables.  Nature has no schedules.  Nature has no dependence on anything other than itself and it's self-reliance, and this got me thinking about a much bigger picture.  These small pictures of nature, God's sovereign creation, reveal to us just how little control we have to what happens to us.  Mama Dove's eggs would hatch, whether she wanted them to or not.  And as long as she did the job that God created her to do, everything would go as planned.  Why is that simple concept so difficult for human beings to grasp?

All of nature, besides man, seems to have a trusting grasp on the perfect flow of nature and the creation that surrounds them.  Just because we might have superior intellects, does that give us the privilege of worry and the authority of control?  Just because the mind delves into reason, does that allow us to usurp what God has already perfectly set in motion, without flaw or glitch?  Or could it be that we are the flaws and glitches to the process?

I wonder is God has been revealing Scripture to me, just outside my front door.  Has He been whispering to me through Mama Dove, " Jake, I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; what you will write today or who you will minister to; or about your body, what you will wear; or about your hair and how it's falling out.  Is not life more than food, books, hair and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; look at Mama Dove; she doesn't sow or reap or store away in barns, in fact, she just sits there all day long, 24/7, and yet I feed her.  Are you not much more valuable than her?  Is not your family?  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" - Matthew 6:25-27 (Paraphrase mine)                               

A Lost Passage From The Gospel of John: Jesus Teaches on the Kingdom of God

From the Gospel of John.  Chapter a verse unknown

On his way to Galilee, Jesus and his disciples saw a man sitting on the side of the road.  The man appeared troubled and was weeping.  Jesus approached the man and sat beside him.

As he continued to weep, Jesus put his arm around the man and drew him close.  So the man leaned against Jesus and began to weep even more.

Jesus' disciples approach them and said, "Rabbi, who is this man to us?  Why should his troubles concern us so?"

"The weight of a mountain lies on this man's shoulders, " said Jesus, "a weight so heavy that he is not able to bear it any longer.  It is for this reason that our paths have crossed.  Where else are would we to go at this moment?  For you, the Kingdom of God lies in Jerusalem, in the streets where all can see and praise awaits you.  For you, the Kingdom of God lies in Rome, beholding a great military victory.  For you, the Kingdom of God lies in a destination.  Somewhere we must go to.  But I tell you the truth.  The Kingdom of God is here, in this moment, lifting the burdens from this man's shoulders and carrying it for him.  The Kingdom of God is here and now."

At this, Jesus' disciples were amazed and said nothing more.  They sat down with Jesus and the man and asked Jesus to teach them more about the Kingdom.  They also made a fire and prepared a meal to share together.

Jesus said to them, "Are you still unsure of what I have told you?  There is nothing more you need to know of the Kingdom of God, but what you see here.  You're questioning and doubts only delay us."

After they shared a meal together, the man looked at Jesus and said, "Lord, I see the Kingdom of God.  It is at hand and I believe in the words you speak.  I will follow you."

Jesus looked at the man with compassion.  "You do believe and you will follow. But for now, my path is not your path.  Leave your burdens here.  Go and reveal the Kingdom of God, just as you have seen it, for where you go, the Kingdom will be."

Immediately, the man got up, picked up his cloak and went on his way, praising the Lord and declaring the Kingdom of God.

Jesus' disciples said nothing, but left this place, also praising God and declaring His Kingdom in it's fullness."         

Quest

We have stretched arms to the heavens

  in hopes of touching

  the holy face of God.

We have traveled the seas unrelenting,

  in hopes of finding the Spirit

  that would carry us as the waves on which we were carried.

We have walked the earth unforgiving,

  upon rock as hard as hearts

  in hopes of finding the Rock that would not be broken.

And within the fleeting efforts of our toils,

  we laid our heads to rest.

And in the quiet and still of night,

  with arms drawn in,

  the waves stilled,

  the earth cooled,

 We have found the essence of our seeking,

  to be closer than the breath in which we breathe.

Advent Reflections - 12/22/2011

“All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel” (which means “God with us”).
When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife.”
Matthew 1:22-24 (NIV)

Reflection

Peace is somewhat of a priceless commodity these days. Let’s face it. We live in chaotic times and most of the circumstances that surround us can induce anything but peace. From an unstable economy to the continuing threats of terrorism, singing “peace on earth” can seem to be just empty words. Especially during the Christmas Season, peace is something that sometimes eludes us. Images of joyful families’ Christmas dinners, warm fireplaces and happy children around a Christmas tree can seem to more resemble a Norman Rockwell painting rather than our reality.

One of the greatest misconceptions in today’s culture is misinterpreting what peace really means. Most often, we confuse “peace” with the haphazard emotions of “happiness”. Happiness is an emotion that develops from the circumstances around us; peace is an emotion that rises above them. Peace transcends our circumstances of life and determines how we react to them. In fact, one could say that peace is more of a state of mind, rather than a feeling or sentiment. Peace is determined by our responses to the world around us, or lack of reaction to the stresses and worries of life. Peace comes when we relinquish control of that which cannot be controlled.

In the words of Matthew 1:22-24, we read of a situation that may have seemed overwhelming, confusing and fearful for Joseph. He could have awoken in a panic, argued with God and run from the circumstances that were thrust upon him. He could have legally divorced Mary and would have been completely justified by culture and faith. After all, from all earthly perspectives, she had cheated on him and was pregnant with another man’s child. Who would blame him for bailing out?

Our Advent passage for today reveals much of how Joseph reacted to his circumstances. From our point of view, he didn’t argue, question or choose to panic over the news God gave him. He didn’t run, get angry or blame anyone for what was going on. Joseph chose not to react to his circumstances, but instead submitted to that which could not be controlled. He accepted how his life was about to radically change, and as far as we can tell, he had peace. May we react the same way to the sometimes uncontrollable circumstances that we might face.

Prayer

Lord, we confess that sometimes we react to our circumstances with fear, anger or panic. It is in these times that we lose hold of the peace that You want for each and every one of us. May we take hold of your peace and let it overwhelm us, rather than the troubles of life. 

Amen 

Advent reflections - 12/21/2011

 

“In the past God spoke to our ancestors through the prophets at many times and in various ways, 2 but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed heir of all things, and through whom also he made the universe.”
Hebrews 1:1-2 (NIV)

 

Reflection

 

Why is it that we so often live in the past? Why do we so frequently attempt to build our current days based on the blessings of yesterday? You’ve heard the expressions: “Those were the good ‘ol days!” “Remember when…?” “Things are just not like they used to be.” I am especially reminded of this during Christmas because we tend to focus so much on tradition. As soon as the decorations come out, the music starts playing and our favorite TV shows come on, we are transported to another place and time. We think back on the magic of Christmas when we were younger, and long for those nostalgic feelings that captured us then. In an effort to recreate the memories of yesterday, we strive to re-create a Christmas that relives those we remember. But we usually end up disappointed and a little frustrated. Why can’t things just be like they used to be?

The problem with nostalgia is that it focuses on something that no longer exists. The past remains only in our memories and if we’re really honest with ourselves, nothing can be done to relive the days that have passed. The only thing in which we can control is our present, and when you think about it, we really have no control over that either. In reality, all we have is today. In fact, all we truly have is this moment. This moment that we share today, celebrating Advent together. The past is no longer. Tomorrow will be. Today is what it is.

As we hurdle toward Christmas Eve, as the excitement builds, and as we celebrate the coming of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, rest in the present. God once spoke through the prophets of old, and revealed His soon coming. For a time God was silent, and the people of Israel longed for the days when the Lord spoke to them. But as time passed, He indeed came into the world. That moment of time, in the quiet and peace of Bethlehem was better. No more longing. No more looking back. Emmanuel, God with us!

Prayer

Lord, in the quiet of this moment, help us to keep ourselves in Your presence. Help us to live our lives day to day, in great anticipation of the blessings You provide moment to moment. Let us look on the past with joyful memories, look to the future with hope and live today in your love and grace. 

Amen

Interview With Joy Wilson and the Not Alone Project

Visit author Joy Wilson at her website:  joyleewilson.org/wordpress/  

Interview With Jake Kampe, Contributor to Not Alone
 
I had the privilege this year of being a contributing author to Not Alone: Stories of Living With Depression, written by people who have suffered from depression.  We have openly shared our stories so that other people with depression will know that they are not alone in their pain.
I’ve had clinical depression all my life, and know the pain and isolation it causes.  I know the shame of crying uncontrollably in public for no apparent reason, panic attacks, fear of falling into a black, bottomless chasm and never coming out again, despair that just won’t go away. There is often a stigma associated with this disease, because our symptoms aren’t rational or predictable. So we hide behind a façade whenever possible, and suffer in silence, never knowing that many people around us have similar feelings.

I first met Jake Kampe when he e-mailed me after reading my essay in Not Alone.  I learned he was a fellow contributor, and we discovered we shared the same feelings and many of the same experiences (which is the point of the book).  I asked Jake if I could interview him, so you can hear his story of hurt and hope.

Tell us a little bit about your spiritual journey, and why you decided to write your story for Not Alone?

First of all, I’m fairly new to the writing scene, so basically I write for anything, everything and anyone that will let me.  The mere fact that anyone sees any value in what I have to say is amazing.  I’m often my worst critic and regularly have to convince myself that I just might not be as full of crap as I imagine.  But I realized that I “needed” to contribute for me more than anything else. Revisiting some of the darkest places in my life was a confirming indicator in how much God has given me and how far I’ve come.  I’m the kind of person that doesn’t necessarily see things as they are within the moment.  I live much of my life in a retrospective perspective, which is probably why I am such a nostalgic person.  By the way, did you know that “nostalgia” was once thought to be a mental deficiency? Makes sense.

I’ve dealt with depression and severe anxiety for most of my life.  It sucks.  The darkest periods were during high school and college, and if it wasn’t for God and my extensive collection of Smiths CDs, I probably would not be writing this today.  As with anyone who has lived with depression, the journey has been extremely difficult and filled with a deep darkness that most people cannot even imagine.   I can remember many times crying out to God, especially when I became involved in vocational ministry, Why?  What possible good could come from this?  What is this accomplishing for Your Kingdom, God? I’m utterly useless!”  As hard as I tried, I could not see how God would use my experience of personal hell to further His message of being the light of the world.  For me, the light was flickering.  I felt like a hypocrite, a failure and at the very least, a weak Christian.  I frequently found myself angry with God and cursed Him often.  Instead of seeing the God of love that I now know He is, I only envisioned a vindictive God that I wanted nothing to do with, or at the very least saw Him as a divine practical joker.

Once I began to find healing, more stability and a semblance of peace in my life, I soon began to see things with a bit more clarity.  When I began to accept depression as part of my life, it was as if a fog had been lifted from my vision of the world and I began to see reality for what it really was. I think that’s one of the more sinister weapons that depression uses most often: the inability to see things as they are.  Reality becomes warped and distorted, creating a deeper spiral of darkness that just feeds on itself.  Things don’t look the same, smell the same or sound the same.  Reality can become almost hallucinogenic in the deepest times of depression.  The mind feeds on itself in this vicious circle of demoralizing thoughts that screw up the mind, body and spirit.  But as the fog clears, questions such as the ones I asked God begin to find the answers in the realty that once seemed so elusive.

Why do you think it’s so hard for people with depression to talk about it?

Because we’re chicken shit. We’re so caught up in this societal “appearance” game that we’re terrified to look weaker or more inferior to someone else.  Instead of embracing that depression is part of who we are, we hide it, ignore it and push it deep down inside.  What we don’t realize is that we’re subconsciously hindering aspects of ourselves that enable beautiful qualities that culture and the Kingdom need to see lived out.  People with depression have great empathy for others, they love deeper, hurt more and care about the world around them.  Those are qualities that are nothing to be ashamed of.  The world is in short supply of people that love painfully.

Depression has historically been considered a weakness.  It’s only been in recent years that people are finally realizing that it is in fact an illness.  Just as someone with cancer would seek medical treatment, someone with clinical and/or chemical depression must do the same.  A person with a broken arm gets a cast.  The heart attack victim has surgery.  The one with cancer is treated with chemo.  Unfortunately, most people who have not experienced intensive chronic depression cannot understand from their limited perspective.  That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but we live in a culture in which one usually has to physically see something before believing in its reality.  So it is with depression.

The same issues exist within the Church, and unfortunately maybe even to a much higher degree.  As I stated in Not Alone, one questionably well-intended friend once enlightened me that depression was a curse form God, and that I needed to repent of some sin in my life that was keeping me in bondage.  Luckily, I dismissed his advice and rested in what I knew was true.  God may have allowed me to remain in depression, but I never felt that He “made” me depressed.  We serve a God love.  Just read through 1 John 4:7-21.
I think that this kind of perspective comes from a warped view of the Gospel, wrong theology and basically just wrong thinking.  A life of following Christ has never been promised to be free of pain and suffering. In fact, we should expect it and maybe even welcome it.  Christ promised that we would have trouble in this world (John 16:33).  He states very clearly that one of the requirements of being His disciple is that we deny ourselves and pick up our own cross.  It is only then that we truly follow Him.

Carrying a cross is not easy.  It sucks.  It’s painful, embarrassing and difficult.  But suffering is an essential part of being a Christian.  In fact, many of the early Church Fathers considered it to be a spiritual discipline.  Imagine that concept being taught in today’s “Dr. Phil” society.

What has having depression cost you?

Well, let’s see.  If I add up the cost of hundreds of therapy sessions and medications alone….Hmmmm….Now that’s depressing.

When I look back in retrospect, I can see that depression has cost me a lot.  But it’s all relative.  It has to do with how you define “cost”.  Surely, I’ve missed out on a lot.  Depression causes deep fear, which held me back for quite a while.  Who knows what I could have accomplished much earlier in life had depression not been such an intricate part of my journey.  I might have decided to go into seminary in my early ‘20s instead of my ‘30s, or been the pastor of a mega-church (cringe!).  I might have written dozens of bestselling books.  I might have never met my wife and had the two amazing boys that I have today.  I might have never had the chance to meet you and the incredible people I know through the Not Alone Project.  I might have become an arrogant, cold, unloving, shallow, superficial person.  Everything I loathe today.  I’d say that maybe it’s cost me a lot, and maybe that’s a good thing.

Why do you say that depression can be a blessing?

I think I may have already jumped ahead and talked a little about this already, but I soon discovered that depression was somewhat of teacher to me.   And from its intensive education, I learned not only how to deal with depression in my own life, but how to minister to others suffering from the same demons that I once had.  I learned that I had been blessed with not only sympathy for others, but also empathy.  I hurt when others hurt.  When alking with someone with depression, I feel the pain that they feel.  I see what they see.  I hear what they hear.  And I find myself not wanting to travel down the dark road with them.  I think to myself,”Oh shit!  This is too real!  I can’t go there!  Too many familiar things in this story!”   But I go with them.  I take their hand and jump down that spiral of darkness just because they need me to.  I’ve learned to trust that God will not allow me to stay there anymore.  His hand pulls me back out, once the communal suffering is complete.  Kind of like a lifeline for a climber, descending into a deep crevasse.

I’ll be honest.   If could go back in time, and had the ability to change my life experience, I would not change anything.  As strange as it may sound, depression has been one of the greatest blessings in my life, because it made me into what I am today, and I like who I am.  Depression refined me, sculpted me and transformed my life.  Sometimes I see my life as a clay vessel, with God as the Potter. He created a vessel that for all practical purposes looked OK from an outside perspective.  But after careful analysis, God realized that what He had made was not quite what He wanted it to be.  The only way to transform a clay vessel into something new is to break it down.  It’s smashed into many pieces; the pieces are then crushed into smaller pieces and then ground into a fine dust. Water is again added and clay forms once again.  The Potter then begins to mold and shape the clay into the perfect vessel that He always intended to make by pushing, squeezing, stretching and cutting.  It’s not comfortable.  It doesn’t look pretty.

At last the vessel is as it should be, but still not complete.  For if it is used without being exposed to the heat, it will sag and wilt into a useless lump.  The furnace refines the vessel so that it can be used in fulfillment of why it was created. The fire is intense and burns away any material that is not mandatory to the vessel being hardened.  It’s ugly, chaotic and painful.  But when complete, and the vessel has been cooled, it’s now ready for use in the most essential way possible.

If there’s one thing you hope people can take away by reading your story, what would it be?

Like the title of the book says, you’re not alone.  That seems to be the essential message of all the authors and what we all tried to communicate.  Reading through the entire book, it’s as if a common thread of empathy runs through the pages of this community of people.   As a collective voice, we join together and agree that we share the same experiences and long for others to join the group.

My greatest hope, my humble prayer, is that people would see that recovery is not only possible, but a much fuller life is possible as well.  There were times in my life when I literally accepted that my life would not get any better.  I was convinced that my mind and psychological condition was beyond repair. I was broken and regardless of how much progress I might make, I would never have the life I had always hoped for. I resolved that I would probably never get married and subsequently never have children.  In the worst case scenario, I feared that one day my mind would just snap under the pressure of depression and I would have to be locked up in a nut house (I can say “nut house” because I consider myself a nut).

But man!  God not only blessed me with recovery and peace in my life, but He has given me more than I ever expected!  I got married to the same woman who suffered through the deepest and darkest days with me, I have two beautiful boys and God opened the door for me to go to seminary and dedicate  he rest of my life serving Him in vocational ministry.  Over the last 5 years, He also added writing to my life and ministry, which has opened even more doors of peace and joy.   How cool is that?  And it just continues to get better with age!  People ask me if I’m “healed” from depression and without hesitation, I tell them no, because I’m being healed every day.  I have peace, but just when I think my healing has come to fruition, God reveals something new and beautiful to me.  Peace grows deeper, and peace is an awesome gift of God, isn’t it?

Peace be with you!

A Prayer of St. Francis

"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred...let me sow love.
Where there is injury...pardon.
Where there is doubt...faith.
Where there is despair...hope.
Where there is darkness...light.
Where there is sadness...joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled...as to console,
to be understood...as to understand,
to be loved...as to love,
for
It is in giving...that we receive,
It is in pardoning...that we are pardoned,
It is in dying...that we are born to eternal life.   

Peace Be With You - Excerpt from Not Alone: Stories of Living with Depression

Toward the end of college, I felt as though my life was in full blown crisis.  Regular cocktails of anti-depressants, downers and alcohol only numbed the pain that was hiding just below the surface.  The temporary alleviation of suffering created a false reality that only isolated me further.  “Nothing seems real to me anymore” I remember telling my psychologist at the time.  He immediately said with certainty, “Then Jake, you need to be in a place where things can feel real again.”  What was he saying?  Did I need to be in a hospital?  Institutionalized?  Was I that bad off?  I don’t remember much of those days, but I remember that moment very well. It was a sobering realization that my life had spiraled out of control.  One question remained: Where was God in the midst of this downward journey into an unknown abyss?  

Even attending church, spending time in prayer or reading scripture became an uncomfortable experience.  I suppose that even my image of God was distorted, but ironically my faith was growing deeper.  My convictions to know Him more fully and serve Him were growing as well.  But like a car stuck in the mud, the more I spun the wheels of effort and faith, the deeper I seemed to sink.  My prayers became mundane, spiritless and forced.  I would frequently find it hard to focus on God and my anger and frustration soon became directed more toward Him.   I began to envision God mockingly holding the key to my healing.  Dangling it just beyond my reach, He would smile as I reached out.