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Chapter 19
Peace Be with You
By Jake Kampe
The stigma of depression in our culture makes it somewhat of a taboo to
discuss. Christians who deal with
depression are often ostracized, ignored or accused of having weak faith. I’ve even heard some imply that I cannot
truly be a follower of Christ, let alone a pastor since I deal with depression. “You
know, Jake, depression is a curse from God,” has always been my favorite
explanation. A very interesting
concept, considering the depth of depression that King David suffered, and yet what
was he called? Oh yeah, “a man after God’s own heart” (1 Samuel
13:14 NIV). I confess that I’ve felt
abandoned by God, felt that I had pissed Him off, even felt that He was
punishing me for one of my many screw ups in life. But I never felt that God had somehow divinely
cursed me with the burden of depression.
To say that I have lived with depression is an understatement. To say that I’ve seen glimpses of Hell is
much more accurate. To say that fear is
a companion emotion of depression is not quite the right description. Terror that has brought me to the brink of
contemplating suicide is much more illustrative. When I meditate on the landscape that has
been my journey through this world, depression has been right there with me,
every step of the way. You might say
that it’s been an unwelcome traveling companion. As far back as I can remember depression has
made itself comfortable with almost every aspect of my life. During major life decisions, crossroads or
milestones that have occurred in my life, depression has been there, reminding
me that I have to engage in a consultation before proceeding.
When I was very young, I vividly remember periods of unusual
depression. I may not have realized the
full magnitude of what was taking place in my psyche, but the seeds were being
planted, the soil was being cultivated, and roots were beginning to form. The dark cloud of despair was beginning to
form itself around my soul and would eventually contribute to molding me into
the person I am today. Depression was
introducing itself and settling into a comfortable place that would eventually
develop into a long stay.
I live with depression; I also
live with peace. The two go hand in
hand, and although they do not live side by side in complete unity, they’ve
learned to accept one another. Peace
usually dominates the relationship these days, but occasionally depression
takes the upper hand. Depression knows
peace’s weaknesses and although peace is much stronger, wiser and rational,
occasionally depression outsmarts peace and takes temporary control of the
household. For a brief period of time,
depression wreaks havoc and can quickly destroy a lot of what peace has built. The relationship between the two has not
always been this way. Not so long ago,
depression was the dominant force in the relationship. In fact, there were long periods of time when
peace was forced to leave. Remaining in
isolation and forced seclusion, I wondered if peace would ever return.
Being part of a church always provided me with some much needed normality. I was raised in the Roman Catholic Church,
and the traditions and rituals brought comfort and stability into the life that
seemed to be becoming more unstable. Most
people were always loving and caring, especially during the traditional
greeting of “Peace be with you.” I’m sure that in many instances it’s extended
with a certain amount of ritual and habit, but to me it was warm and comforting,
especially from those older than me. “Peace be with you, Jake” they would
say, warmly shaking my hand. “Yes!”, I thought to myself. “Peace be
with me. Please, God”.
As the years passed, I became increasingly isolated and began to reject
most attempts of friendship and expressions of love. Throughout junior high and high school,
manifestations of depression resulted in bouts of anger and frustration. In my attempts to control the debilitating
and helpless effects of depression, anger became my weapon of choice. Anger was more controllable. Anger was my
decision to unleash and more controllable.
It was mine, and in many ways it kept me warm from the chills of
depression.
As I grew older and settled into college life, depression became deeper and more real. I began to see that depression often
distorts reality. Not only does it seem
to affect the emotions of one’s internal make up, it also emotionally
manipulates the external. There is no
physical manifestation of the changes that depression initiates. No one else can see what the mind’s eye
witnesses. But nonetheless, for the
person dealing with the onslaught of severe depression, things just don’t seem
the same. Reality becomes twisted,
contorted and dreamlike. Nightmarish,
unreal and even sometimes hallucinogenic was my reality.
Toward the end of college, I felt as though my life was in full blown
crisis. Regular cocktails of
anti-depressants, downers, marijuana and alcohol only numbed the pain that was hiding just
below the surface. The temporary
alleviation of suffering created a false reality that only isolated me
further. “Nothing seems real to me
anymore” , I remember telling my therapist at the time. He immediately said with a calm certainty, “Then
Jake, you need to be in a place where things can feel real again.” What was he saying? Did I need to be in a hospital? Institutionalized? Was I that bad off? I don’t remember much of those days, but I
remember that moment very well. It was a sobering realization that my life had
spiraled out of control. One question
remained: Where was God in the midst of this downward journey into an unknown
abyss?
As I sought healing in my faith, even attending church, spending time in prayer or reading scripture became
an uncomfortable experience. I suppose
that even my image of God was distorted, but ironically my faith grew
deeper. My convictions to know Him deeper
and serve Him were growing as well. But
like a car stuck in the mud, the more I spun the wheels of effort and faith,
the deeper I seemed to sink. My prayers
became mundane, spiritless and forced. I
would frequently find it hard to focus on God and my anger and frustration soon
became directed more toward Him. I began to envision God mockingly holding the
key to my healing. Dangling it just
beyond my reach, He would grin as I reached out.
If God loved me so much, why was He allowing me to suffer such a
hellish existence? If He was real, why
was He so apparently unwilling to lift me out of this despair. What possible good could my depression be
accomplishing for Him and His Kingdom? Hebrews
13:5 & 6 says “Never will I leave
you; never will I forsake you”
“Really, God? Then where are you? Are you hiding from me? Playing games?” “I came
that they may have life, and have it abundantly” (John 10:10 NASB). “Then what is this miserable pit in which I’m
living?” “Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the
morning”? (Psalm 30:5 NLT). “Interesting, because the only morning
visitors I ever had were fear and panic, God. Where is this joy you promised I am supposed to have?” “Peace
I leave with you; my peace I give you?” (John 14:27 NIV). “Bullshit!”
But life continued on and I eventually met my wife who got to
experience my ordeals first hand. In
reality, I know that there were times when she contemplated leaving me to escape
the nightmare that we now both shared. But by God’s grace, she remained by my side, as faithful and
understanding as she could be. Ironically,
in the long run depression strengthened our relationship, and we grew
closer. My two sons came into the world
and we began to build the family and life we had longed for. Despite the added stress and responsibility,
becoming a father actually helped me deal with depression. Maybe it was because the focus shifted more
from me and toward others that I loved. Maybe it was because I was learning and growing spiritually. Maybe it was because God was showing me that
my life was actually blessed, rather than cursed. Either way, my children were a turning point
for me. A much needed light in a long
period of darkness.
I awoke early on Easter Sunday of 2000 with a full blown, unexpected
and unprovoked panic attack. In a cold
sweat and with heart racing, I got out of bed and went for a walk just before
the sun came up. As I walked, I began to
pray. As I prayed, my pace increased to
a run. As I ran, I began to scream at
God in anger. As I screamed, I fell on
the grass and broke down. I cried out to
God, “Please, God! Stop this! Please! Free me from this hell that I’m in!
I can’t do it anymore! What do I
do? What have I done wrong? Please help me!”
God’s response? Clearly and
almost audible, I heard Him say, “Be
obedient, Jake.” “What?” I thought
to myself. Be obedient?” At this point in
my life, I had developed a regular prayer life, was involved in church, read my
Bible and jumped through every freaking Christian hoop I could think of! How else could I be more obedient? “Be obedient to
WHAT, God?” I cried out. He softly
responded, “Just be obedient. You’re not being obedient.” “I give up, God. You’re not going to help me. You’ve abandoned me. I guess I’m on my own!” I punched the ground and wept as the sun came
up. “He is Risen!” I couldn’t have cared less on that Easter
Sunday.
Ironically, I look at this as my moment of healing, but there’s nothing magical
that happened in me. No immediate change
occurred in my soul, but as the days passed I meditated on what God meant. I realized that obedience had nothing to do
with my feelings. It had nothing to do
with my actions. And it really had
nothing to do with me at all. What God
revealed to me was that even though depression had taken over my life, it
didn’t get me off the hook. He still
wanted me to live as His child, free from darkness and fear. Depression and fear have no place in Kingdom
of God, so I needed to show others just the opposite, even though I didn’t feel
it. As I began to basically “fake it”,
something interesting happened. I began
to feel it. As others perceived me as being healed, I essentially
was. As I became obedient, God did as
well and peace found me again. That was
over twelve years ago and although I still struggle with depression, it doesn’t
control me.
As bizarre as it may seem, I’ve found a way to thank God for depression. I see that it’s helped me become a
better husband, father and even a better minister. I’m now able to not only sympathize with
people, but I can also empathize. I feel
the pain that others feel and it becomes real to me; so much so that I find
myself wanting to avoid it. “God, please
don’t make me go down this path with this person. The pain is too real. It’s too familiar.” But each time He reminds me that I’ll be OK. “Go
with them. Feel their pain, Jake. This is not your life anymore, but you have
to feel it with them now. It’s essential
to your connection with them.” So, I
feel it. It hurts. My heart begins to race and I feel a cold
sweat break out over my body. But I feel
it with anyone who needs me to join them and I offer peace to be with
them. As I feel their pain, I also feel
peace rise inside of me, and as we share this common duality of emotions, the
Kingdom of God becomes just a little more real for both of us. Peace be with you.
