Friday, May 13, 2011

Hot, Wild, Freaky Sex (Seriously! The title is not just to get your attention)

Recently, a good friend of mine asked me some questions about sex.  He's been married for a few years, loves his wife and from what he shared with me, they seem to have a very healthy sex life.  However, he needed some answers on a very specific issue that, let's just say was a little risque, to say the least.  Ah, what the heck.  It was about oral sex.  After we talked for a while, he realized that he wasn't quite as weird as he thought he was.  The "colorful" topic that he brought up was not necessarily sexually off limits, but its just one of those things we don't usually talk about, especially in church.  And that got me thinking.  Does the Church inadvertently create an atmosphere of fear, embarrassment or even shame when it comes to sex?  Should we be more open and willing to talk about the "details", no matter how graphic in nature they might be?  After all, how do newly married couples know what is acceptable and what's not if we aren't willing to discuss it?  The only other option they have is culture and the media, and we don't want to go there, do we?        

Over the years, I've had the opportunity to council with a few newlyweds and couples preparing for marriage.  I've never been a senior pastor, nor do I ever want to, but on occasion I've been asked to preform a wedding or two and offer some words of wisdom to couples just setting out on the somewhat unknown journey of becoming husband and wife.  By no means do I claim to be a marriage counselor or expert in the field.  In fact, there's still a lot that I don't know, and my wife would attest that I might need a refresher course from time to time.  I guess being married for almost 20 years gives you plenty of chances to screw up until you finally get it right.

Usually with some amount of embarrassment from the younger couples, sex always seems to be a main issue of concern.  Personally, I have no problem dealing with questions of the carnal nature, but to a young couple, it can be a little intimidating.  In fact, the last couple that I met with were so uncomfortable that they could not stop laughing in order to get through one question.  This was a shame because later, when they finally got the nerve to share by email, they had some very honest and legitimate questions about sex once they were married.  Questions about oral sex, masturbation, sexual positions, pornography and even the use of sex toys are all topics that we might run across in today's culture.  Please know that I am not endorsing the acceptability of any sexual topic, or any others that might come to mind.  This blog is not intended to address each issue individually.  Let me just say that as followers of Christ, there are some areas of sex that God does not want us to venture into, even in the context of marriage.  All the more reason to help couples talk about these issues in a comfortable atmosphere, right?

Let's just admit it, shall we?  Sex is fun!  It's a blast!  I love sex and if I had my way, I'd do it every day!  Unfortunately, nature won't allow that and age begins to play a factor as well.  But it's still fun, and I hope it will remain fun for many, many, many, many, many years to come!  But guess what?  God intended sex to be fun!  It was His idea, so blame Him if your judging me to be a sex maniac.  Think about it.  He could have easily made humans instinctively attracted to the opposite sex for the sole purpose of procreation.  Sex could be a robotic, boring, mundane ritual that would make doing your taxes seem like a night out on the town.  But thankfully, that's not what He had in mind.  Instead, He chose to give us sex as an awesome gift, by making it one of the most enjoyable experiences we can share on this earth.  In the right context and circumstances, sex is enjoyable, fulfilling, intoxicating, healthy and vital to a healthy marriage.  Sex is good!  Can I get an amen? 

I usually get right to the point when asked for my opinion on what is sexually "acceptable" for a married couple.  My philosophy is pretty simple:  As long as it doesn't involve other people or animals, get as hot, wild and freaky as you want to!  "Really?  Did he just say that?"  Well...yeah...I guess I did!  But before you accuse me of being some kind of pastoral pervert, let me explain.  Just so you know, I would never offer that statement as a piece of advice to any couple.  That's an extreme and simplistic example, although I might toss it out there as an ice breaker, depending on how well I know the couple.  Hmmm....That might have stopped the uncontrollable laughter of the couple I mentioned above.  But in reality, it illustrates something very significant.  God wants us to enjoy sex to the fullest possible capacity possible.  Sure, there are Biblical boundaries for sex, but it's pretty broad.  Song of Solomon provides a very graphic, erotic and illustrative picture of what an awesome sex life looks life between a husband and a wife.  We won't get into those details in this blog, but my point is this: we need to be open about sex and create an open culture within the Church and Christian circles.

We have no trouble talking about communication, finances, careers, responsibilities, parenting, etc. We have no problem discussing children and the details of becoming new parents, but for some reason, we avoid talking about where the kids come from.  When it comes to the area of sex, we usually give some broad advice or recommend a couple of good books.  Like everything else that God has given us, sex is a good thing.  It's an incredible blessing and needs to be a topic that is discussed openly, freely and without embarrassment or shame.   It's viral that we provide strong Biblical advice on sexual boundaries for two reasons:  First, married couples need to know what's off limits so they don't venture off into some freaky stuff that would cause Hugh Hefner to blush.  And secondly, married couples need to know what's within acceptable limits so they can venture off into some freaky stuff that God is totally OK with!  And they don't need to feel guilty, strange or perverted.

Song of Solomon says, "Like the finest apple tree in the orchard is my lover among other young men.  I sit in his delightful shade and taste his delicious fruit." (2:3 NLT)

"Awake, north wind!  Rise up, south wind!  Blow on my garden and spread its fragrance all around.  Come into your garden, my love; taste its finest fruits." (4:16 NLT)

"I would bring you to my childhood home, and there you would teach me.  I would give you spiced wine to drink, my sweet pomegranate wine. Your left arm would be under my head, and your right arm would embrace me. " (8:2 NLT)

"I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride; I have gathered my myrrh with my spice.  I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey; I have drunk my wine and my milk." (5:1 NIV)

"How beautiful you are and how pleasing, my love, with your delights!  Your stature is like that of the palm,  and your breasts like clusters of fruit.  I said, “I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit.”  May your breasts be like clusters of grapes on the vine, the fragrance of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine." (7:6-9 - NIV)

Pretty intense, huh?  These are only a few examples of what the Bible tells us about erotic sex through the Song of Solomon.  Not only is it a beautiful book of poetry, but and a great example of how sex is not only meant to be enjoyed, but gives us an idea of the broad boundaries of sex to be explored.  Overall, the Church needs to do a better job at creating a more open environment of communication regarding sex. 

This is significant for two reasons: First, married couples need practical and honest guidelines about sex so they don't venture off into some freaky areas that would even make Huge Hefner blush.  And secondly, they need practical and honest guidelines so they can feel comfortable venturing off into some freaky areas that are perfectly OK with God!  Sex is a good thing!  So go out and have sex today!  Have it this afternoon!  Several times!  Or at least try.  And make it hot, wild and freaky!  


Jennifer said...

I have long felt that if the church were indeed to become more open about sexuality, we'd have far fewer problems with teenage pregnancy, STDs, and farther reaching, divorce. When we pretend like it's not an issue, we create an environment of fear. Fear and sexuality were not designed to go together. Well said, friend.

Anonymous said...

oral sex is illegal in the state of Texas, youre under arrest, you perv...

Mrs. K said...

Definitely some good points here! Sex in the context of christian marriage is a topic which, though having been addressed by many, poses many challenges and questions to every couple I know (including myself and my husband). In addition to the navigating the mechanics of it all, moral dilemmas such as the ones you discussed arise. And on top of that we face issues of repressed sexuality, differing sex drives, and intertwining emotional needs. whew! Sex needs to be discussed more among families and within the church. With more realistic expectations and guidance from those who have gone before us, maybe more young christian couples can start having hot, wild, and freaky sex.