Friday, October 21, 2011

Five Simple Steps for Rapture Preparation

There's been a lot of talk about the the Rapture of the Church taking place tomorrow, May 21.  I figured that I should probably blog about my thoughts on the upcoming events, so I sat down to give it some thought.  Many things ran through my mind, and then it hit me.  No one has given any practical advice on preparation for the Rapture.  How are we to know if we are "Rapture Ready"?

Well, here's a list of Five practicals steps for you to follow to make sure you are adequately prepared.   Whether you are one of the lucky ones to be gathered to the Lord, or one of the poor souls left to endure the inevitable Tribulation, let's make sure that everything runs smoothly and without unnecessary inconvenience.

1.  Do Not Drive:  Let's face it.  If you on the roads when the Rapture occurs, and you're not one of the fortunate ones to be taken, you probably don't want to be on the road when 100s of cars go driverless.  And if you are planning on being Raptured, have a little common courtesy and just stay home where it's safe.

2.  Call in Sick:  If you are a pilot, cab driver, train conductor, surgeon, air traffic controller, or any occupation that involves the safety of others, please call in sick or take a vacation day.

3.  Think Green:  If there is a high probability that you will be raptured, please turn off your water, electricity, cancel cable, phones, etc.  Those left behind are going to dealing with enough.  Why burden them further with open accounts, wasted utilities?  Please note: If you leave your cars in the garage, make sure the emergency handle has been pulled on your garage door.

4.  Drink Responsibly:  As with hurricane parties and New Years Eve, many folks are going to be tempted to partake in a few extra pints in celebration.  Trust me.  If you are one of the heathens that will be here on Sunday morning, you don't want to face it with a hangover.  And the rest of you probably don't want to be raptured while intoxicated. (RWI)

5.  Remember Your Pets:  As much as we love our pets, the truth is that they will NOT be part of the Rapture.  Think ahead.  If you are left behind, make sure that you have plenty of pet food and reserve water supply in case store and utilities are down for a while.  If you will be leaving us, make sure that your pets have a safe, quiet and caring place to stay.  They will most likely be very nervous and stressed as it is.  Let's think of their needs as well.

It is my hope that these simple steps will help you as we all hurdle toward the end times.  Whether you are left behind or taken from the Earth to be with Christ, we all need to make sure we are prepared.

As for me, more than likely, this will be my last blog.  I appreciate each and every one of you that have been faithful in reading my theological musings.  If you've been left behind, and are reading this after the fact, I'm sorry.  You must not have paid enough attention to my more evangelical blogs.  I'm pretty sarcastic, but I'm pretty sure that I never joked about damnation.

And if you reason I am unfortunately left behind with you, I'll have one hell of a freaking blog to write on Sunday.

1 comment:

Vicki said...

hilarious. this just made my day jake.