Hot, Wild, Freaky Sex (Seriously! The title is not just to get your attention)

Recently, a good friend of mine asked me some questions about sex.  He's been married for a few years, loves his wife and from what he shared with me, they seem to have a very healthy sex life.  However, he needed some answers on a very specific issue that, let's just say was a little risque, to say the least.  Ah, what the heck.  It was about oral sex.  After we talked for a while, he realized that he wasn't quite as weird as he thought he was.  The "colorful" topic that he brought up was not necessarily sexually off limits, but its just one of those things we don't usually talk about, especially in church.  And that got me thinking.  Does the Church inadvertently create an atmosphere of fear, embarrassment or even shame when it comes to sex?  Should we be more open and willing to talk about the "details", no matter how graphic in nature they might be?  After all, how do newly married couples know what is acceptable and what's not if we aren't willing to discuss it?  The only other option they have is culture and the media, and we don't want to go there, do we?        

Over the years, I've had the opportunity to council with a few newlyweds and couples preparing for marriage.  I've never been a senior pastor, nor do I ever want to, but on occasion I've been asked to preform a wedding or two and offer some words of wisdom to couples just setting out on the somewhat unknown journey of becoming husband and wife.  By no means do I claim to be a marriage counselor or expert in the field.  In fact, there's still a lot that I don't know, and my wife would attest that I might need a refresher course from time to time.  I guess being married for almost 20 years gives you plenty of chances to screw up until you finally get it right.

Usually with some amount of embarrassment from the younger couples, sex always seems to be a main issue of concern.  Personally, I have no problem dealing with questions of the carnal nature, but to a young couple, it can be a little intimidating.  In fact, the last couple that I met with were so uncomfortable that they could not stop laughing in order to get through one question.  This was a shame because later, when they finally got the nerve to share by email, they had some very honest and legitimate questions about sex once they were married.  Questions about oral sex, masturbation, sexual positions, pornography and even the use of sex toys are all topics that we might run across in today's culture.  Please know that I am not endorsing the acceptability of any sexual topic, or any others that might come to mind.  This blog is not intended to address each issue individually.  Let me just say that as followers of Christ, there are some areas of sex that God does not want us to venture into, even in the context of marriage.  All the more reason to help couples talk about these issues in a comfortable atmosphere, right?

Let's just admit it, shall we?  Sex is fun!  It's a blast!  I love sex and if I had my way, I'd do it every day!  Unfortunately, nature won't allow that and age begins to play a factor as well.  But it's still fun, and I hope it will remain fun for many, many, many, many, many years to come!  But guess what?  God intended sex to be fun!  It was His idea, so blame Him if your judging me to be a sex maniac.  Think about it.  He could have easily made humans instinctively attracted to the opposite sex for the sole purpose of procreation.  Sex could be a robotic, boring, mundane ritual that would make doing your taxes seem like a night out on the town.  But thankfully, that's not what He had in mind.  Instead, He chose to give us sex as an awesome gift, by making it one of the most enjoyable experiences we can share on this earth.  In the right context and circumstances, sex is enjoyable, fulfilling, intoxicating, healthy and vital to a healthy marriage.  Sex is good!  Can I get an amen? 

I usually get right to the point when asked for my opinion on what is sexually "acceptable" for a married couple.  My philosophy is pretty simple:  As long as it doesn't involve other people or animals, get as hot, wild and freaky as you want to!  "Really?  Did he just say that?"  Well...yeah...I guess I did!  But before you accuse me of being some kind of pastoral pervert, let me explain.  Just so you know, I would never offer that statement as a piece of advice to any couple.  That's an extreme and simplistic example, although I might toss it out there as an ice breaker, depending on how well I know the couple.  Hmmm....That might have stopped the uncontrollable laughter of the couple I mentioned above.  But in reality, it illustrates something very significant.  God wants us to enjoy sex to the fullest possible capacity possible.  Sure, there are Biblical boundaries for sex, but it's pretty broad.  Song of Solomon provides a very graphic, erotic and illustrative picture of what an awesome sex life looks life between a husband and a wife.  We won't get into those details in this blog, but my point is this: we need to be open about sex and create an open culture within the Church and Christian circles.

We have no trouble talking about communication, finances, careers, responsibilities, parenting, etc. We have no problem discussing children and the details of becoming new parents, but for some reason, we avoid talking about where the kids come from.  When it comes to the area of sex, we usually give some broad advice or recommend a couple of good books.  Like everything else that God has given us, sex is a good thing.  It's an incredible blessing and needs to be a topic that is discussed openly, freely and without embarrassment or shame.   It's viral that we provide strong Biblical advice on sexual boundaries for two reasons:  First, married couples need to know what's off limits so they don't venture off into some freaky stuff that would cause Hugh Hefner to blush.  And secondly, married couples need to know what's within acceptable limits so they can venture off into some freaky stuff that God is totally OK with!  And they don't need to feel guilty, strange or perverted.

Song of Solomon says, "Like the finest apple tree in the orchard is my lover among other young men.  I sit in his delightful shade and taste his delicious fruit." (2:3 NLT)

"Awake, north wind!  Rise up, south wind!  Blow on my garden and spread its fragrance all around.  Come into your garden, my love; taste its finest fruits." (4:16 NLT)

"I would bring you to my childhood home, and there you would teach me.  I would give you spiced wine to drink, my sweet pomegranate wine. Your left arm would be under my head, and your right arm would embrace me. " (8:2 NLT)

"I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride; I have gathered my myrrh with my spice.  I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey; I have drunk my wine and my milk." (5:1 NIV)

"How beautiful you are and how pleasing, my love, with your delights!  Your stature is like that of the palm,  and your breasts like clusters of fruit.  I said, “I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit.”  May your breasts be like clusters of grapes on the vine, the fragrance of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine." (7:6-9 - NIV)

Pretty intense, huh?  These are only a few examples of what the Bible tells us about erotic sex through the Song of Solomon.  Not only is it a beautiful book of poetry, but and a great example of how sex is not only meant to be enjoyed, but gives us an idea of the broad boundaries of sex to be explored.  Overall, the Church needs to do a better job at creating a more open environment of communication regarding sex. 

This is significant for two reasons: First, married couples need practical and honest guidelines about sex so they don't venture off into some freaky areas that would even make Huge Hefner blush.  And secondly, they need practical and honest guidelines so they can feel comfortable venturing off into some freaky areas that are perfectly OK with God!  Sex is a good thing!  So go out and have sex today!  Have it this afternoon!  Several times!  Or at least try.  And make it hot, wild and freaky!  

Francis Chan on the Death of Osama Bin Laden

Love One Another - A Lost Passge: John 13:39 - 47

39 "Peter said, "Lord, I will never deny you!  I love you and will stand by you until the very end!"

40  Jesus replied, "Peter, how can you say that you love me when you will surely deny that you even know me?  I command you to love one another.  To love one another is not to think of oneself.  Love as I have loved you."  

41   Peter began to weep and fell to his knees in sorrow.  "Lord!", Peter cried out.  "You have loved me as I am.  You have loved all of us, even though we have done nothing to deserve your love!  How can I love that way?  What if no one loves me the way you have loved me?"

42  Jesus placed his hand on Peter's shoulder.  Peter looked up to see Jesus' eyes looking on him with love and compassion. "Peter, love one another.", Jesus said.  "Love one another", he repeated.  "As I have loved you, so you must love one another.  This is what I command you to do."  

43  "But what about me, Lord?", Peter said while weeping.  "Who will love me?  What if no one returns my love?"    

44  Jesus called the other disciples and they gathered around him.  He looked at them with compassion, knowing that they did not understand what he meant when he said, "Love one another."  45  "Do you not understand what I have commanded you to do?  Do you love one another?  Or do you only hope to receive love?  Do you only hope to be loved as I have loved you?  I command you.  Love one another."

45  "Loving one another has nothing to do with you and the self.", "Jesus continued.  "The self must be denied.  You are not commanded to be loved.  You are commanded to love.  In loving one another, the cycle of love is made complete.  If each of you loves one another, as I have loved you, you will indeed be loved as I have loved you.  In this way, love is made complete.  Live your lives in love, for in loving completely, you too will be loved."


46  The disciples looked at Jesus, finally understanding what he was commanding them to do.  "It is not that we loved you, Lord.  It is that you first loved us.  We understand what you mean when you say, "Love one another.  May we love each other as you have loved us."

47  Jesus knew what was in their hearts, for he knew all men.  He knew that they understood his command, but he also knew that it would prove to be very difficult for them.  He knew that this command to love one another, would be difficult for generations to come.  

Norms & Fringes

I got into an interesting conversation this week with a good friend of mine.  We're about the same age and started discussing the punk movement of the late 70s and early 80s that we grew up with.  Neither of us were really considered "punks", but we listened to the music and were influenced a great deal by the philosophies that arose from the culture.  As we talked, we began to ask each other how this type of culture compares to the "norm" of society today.  What determines "normal" American culture?  What determines some groups to be considered "sub-cultures" of fringes of society?  Is there a "right" and "wrong" way of living, simply in terms of amoral lifestyles?  Who sets the standards, and are those standards necessarily deemed as "normal" just because they have been determined to be standards?

Meditating further on this, we discussed trends in history and how other countries have followed similar paths.  Western culture differs greatly from Eastern, and influences in philosophy, as well as religion, have developed the images we as common.  We see this in the development of the enlightenment, modernity and the post-modern culture of today.  My friend also pointed to the fact that authority has great influence on what is considered normative, and results in the inevitable descent and those groups that consequently become subcultures.  Regardless if something is considered moral, those in authority dictate what is considered "normative" and to a great extent, how a culture develops over time.  You can see this narrowed down from state to state, and even city to city.  Any way you look at it, a great deal of normative and fringe culture comes down to one thing: authority.

My friend asked me what I think the standard looks like, and if there is a so called standard, then what does the fringes look like.  I'm a very visual person, so I instantly came up with a picture in my mind.  Think of a tree branch with several smaller branches stemming from the main one.  The main branch would be the average American picture of normal and the smaller branches would be considered fringes, or possibly subcultures.  However, that got me thinking as well.  Normal would depend of the culture you reside in, right?  The normal branch will look different for me because of the culture I currently live in.  For me, it's the typical suburban, minivan, 2.5 kids, soccer on Saturday picture of Americana.  But for someone living in Manhattan, their picture of normal is going to look very different.  Hence, the fringes are going to look different as well.  So depending on what the main branch looks like, the smaller branches are going to vary in how they look and what might dictate them to be such.  A fringe branch may be a main branch in other circumstances and cultures, and vice-versa.         

So, this got me thinking about culture and how it all coincides with faith.  One of the basic tenants of Christianity is that God is our ultimate authority for life and how we live.  Through prayer, revelation and Scripture, He communicates the details of His standards and we follow suit the best we can by implementing these aspects into our life.  When you think about this from one perspective, there would consequently be a normative life picture that would develop, right?  But let's look at this from another perspective.  Let's look at this from the point of implementation.  How I implement God's standards into my life may not look like someone else's implementation because of the culture we each live in.  From person to person, each may be identically incorporating God's standards into their lives, but from a cultural standpoint, they may look very different.  One may appear to be socially normal, and the other may seem to be in the fringes.

But when we look at culture from God's perspective, we see that the normative lines of society fade quite a bit, don't they?  When choosing to live in the Kingdom of God as a reality, we begin to see that the only authority worth serving is the one who rules the Kingdom.  Instead of setting cultural guidelines for normal living, He simply sets standards for the citizens to live by.  The normal becomes relative, as well as the fringes because we no longer few each other according to "normative" aspects.  The man in the business suit walks side by side with the skinhead.  The doctor shares a meal with a homeless man.  The drug addicted prostitute shares coffee with the stay at home mom.  The former Pharisee and murderer of Christian talks philosophy and theology with some Epicureans and Stoics. (See Acts 17:16-34)  Neither one sees each other as above or beneath.  Just citizens of in the Kingdom, following a higher standard than culture can dictate.  Do this sound like a Utopian view of life?  Idealistic?  Liberal?  Maybe.  But isn't that what the Kingdom of God is?  Isn't this more of what the King wants from His citizens?  And imagine what this would this look like in American culture?

Drunks and the Kingdom of God

Lots of talk about community these days, and specifically what "real" Biblical community really is.  You may have heard the question asked many times, "What does real Biblical community look like?"  Hmmmmm.  You know, I'm actually not quite sure what the answer is.  I'm not even sure that it's a legitimate question.  I guess it would be similar to asking, "What do "real" people look like?"  Sure, there are certain distinguishing characteristics that make a human being a human being, but the individual details are so varied that one cannot paint a broad enough picture to include every single personal scenario.  In the same way, Biblical community is difficult to classify.  Sure, there are certain, and very specific requirements for a community to be classified as "Biblical", but each community differs drastically because of the individuals that represent the community.  And that's the one aspect that gives Biblical community such a vast array of images: Individuals.      

Last week a friend of mine invited me to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.  I'll admit; I had no idea what to expect, but he did a pretty good job explaining the gritty details of what I might experience.  But as usually happens, the picture that I had in my mind did not represent reality.  Let's admit it.  For people that have never been to a meeting, the name Alcoholics Anonymous might bring to mind certain cliche images.  A group of old timers, with visible signs of years of alcohol abuse?  Tattoos? Chain smokers talking about how they are coping with day to day life?  Motor cycle riders?  Auto mechanics?  Aging musicians?...Wait a second...Doctors?  Lawyers?  Teachers?  Pastors?  Coaches?  Moms?  Dads?  Me?

My point is that from my perspective, many different types of people was represented in this community.  In fact, it was one of the most eclectic groups of people that I have ever seen.  And that got me thinking.  When we look at our Biblical communities, what do we see?  How varied are the personalities, lifestyles, backgrounds, nationalities?  Can we honestly say that our communities represent all, walks of life?  Even many walks of life?  Is it easier for culture to describe what the typical Christian might looks like?  Think about your church.  Think about your small group.  Think about your Sunday School class.  What do you see?

Now don't get me wrong.  I'm not making a blanket statement that indites the entire Church.  I've been in many Biblical communities that range in age, color, nationality and even sexual orientation.  But in my experience, this is unfortunately not the norm in today's culture.  After visiting Alcoholics Anonymous, I found myself asking a very sobering question: Do these meetings represent more of what a church should look like?  Is this more the kind of honest, open and trusting community that our Biblical communities should try and emulate?  Granted, there were aspects absent that would theologically not classify AA as a "Biblical" meeting, or church for that matter.  But I'm talking more about the "communal" aspects.

Just for a few minutes, think about the human condition, and just how messed up we are without the saving grace of Christ.  Think of what we are capable of doing without God's guidance.  Think about the awesome unconditional love of Christ.  Think about the outcasts that Jesus surrounded Himself with when He walked the earth.  Think about those he turned away, or those that wanted nothing to do with Him.  Now think about those that fill our churches.  Our small groups.  Our Bible studies.  Compare and contrast.  How often does someone walk in off the street, sit down among us and announce for all to hear:

"Hi!  I'm Jake.  And I'm a messed up sinner with a messed up life."

"Hi Jake!" 

(Insert hug here)